The last time I sat next to the Rouge River in Oregon I had just lost my Mom, 6 months ago.

The pain and emotion was overwhelming. I spent a few minutes every day by the river while I took care of over the last six weeks of her life, taking a few minute to breath and think. Actually, praying more than anything. Praying for my mother to have a quick painless journey into the after life. Where should never feel cold again.

My Mom was always cold even on a 90 degree day, should still would have a sweater on and think it was absolutely lovely.

One of her small pleasures in the last weeks of her life was when we would take hot blankets out the dryer and cover her in them. It was pure paradise for her.

She was blessed to be taken so fast but we were not. I would have spent months by her side helping if it had been an option. I finally had a chance to make up for all the bratty teen years but still that does not feel enough. Regret is one of the most difficult emotions to deal with as I process my journey of loss.

Now, sitting by the river as I make my last trip to Grant Pass, Oregon, I focus on the freedom I envision my mother to have. Flying up and down the river as bird, swimming through the cool clear water as a fish and resting on the bank of the river next to me soaking up the sun thinking about how lovely the warmth feels.